BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Kau temukan aku ketika ku rapuh
Terdampar membisu seperti debu
Matahari seakan tak lagi
Menyinari hati sepi ini

Kau temukan aku ketika aku jatuh
Terhempas membisu terbalut pilu
Matahari seakan tak lagi
Menyinari hati sepi ini

Luka tertinggal dihati
Terlalu dalam untuk pergi

Reff:
Beri aku cinta
Beri aku rasa
Agar aku bisa seperti dirimu

Beri aku sentuhmu
Beri aku rindumu
Agar aku bisa
Seperti hidup kembali

Bridge:
Kau nyalakan cahaya hati
Yang telah mati
Kau terangi gelap dihati
Bangkitkan jiwaku
Dari mimpi burukku

“Seperti Hidup Kembali” by Andra And The Backbone
(Thank You... for made me back alive...)

FRIENDSHIP

This afternoon I read the blog that was written by PNS Sexy. He shared some photos on the blog showing their activities after they had their Sholat Idul Adha. The photos reminded me of some memories that I have had with my friends back then at Junior High. Yes, for me one of the sweetest memories about friendship is my year in Junior High. We did some crazy stuffs, just a typical that junior high kids would do. It was so sweet and really heart-warming. Now, it’s been almost 20 years. But the memories are still there, and I guess it’ll always be there. Covered in a warm blanket of love in the sweetest corner of my mind. I love you guys!
SMP Mardi Yuana Cianjur, Class of 1988…

SIMPLE GOD

Are you a member of the Hard-God Club? Well, I used to be the Brand Manager of the club. I used to think that my God is a very hard God. A God that demands a lot of things from me. A God that sees me as a You-have-to-be-always-right object. A God that is so far away, because He lives in His kingdom of righteousness while I am here stuck in my sinful and full of wrong deeds world. I’ve found them wrong when I am at my age now. I know for sure that I have gained a lot of new understandings on my thirties. Well, the old saying that says “the older, the wiser” is true in my case hehehe…
I have found that my God is a very simple God! All the thoughts and old understanding about Him has totally changed. My God is a kind of God that just sees me as ME. The fat, bald, impatient, a bit forgetful, yet still charming Kees De Roode. All that he sees is just my heart. I always say to Him, “Lord no matter what I am, my heart is in Your hand.” I love my God not because He’s famous, or just because He is the only one whom can allow me to enter His home, but just because He is He. Just that simple. He will always love me no matter what or who I am. He will always love me because He can’t deny Himself. He is the love. There’s no way that from a source of love can flow hatred or evil. He never says, “I don’t know you, you low & sinful thing! You have to be sin-free if you want to walk next to me!” He never demands us to be righteous. All He just asks is, “May I shine from your heart?”
Yes, You may Lord…

HOW TO PUT ASIDE OUR EGOS

I am a temperament person. I will easily get angry if I can’t control or overcome things. Like this morning, a lady came in for her son is sick. I smiled and said hi to her and she only replied with a very flat face so I want to punch her in the face. I mean, what the heck was that? She supposed to smile back at me and said hi. But then I realized (after the beautiful, cute and gorgeous little angel slaps my head in the back. You stupid MD!) that it was my stupid ego talking. And then the cute angels remind me again of some ways to keep my ego in silence and let lose our love instead:
First, try to put others perspective in our mind.
Second, if the ‘negative’ start talking immediately take a deep breath and count to ten.
Third, always remember that not every body can smile.
Fourth, the condition of the heart of every person is different.
Fifth, always start your day with a prayer. It helps a lot!
And sixth, what the heck are you waiting for?
Get going and put those five in practice…

LOVE FACTS

Here are the four thoughts about love that I often forgot:

L. Love Begins With An “L”.
I believe that love always begin with an “L”, LIKING. So I think the correct phrase is suppose to be “Like at first sight”. I also figure that love stands for:
L: Liking
O: On (the)
V: Very
E: Extreme
That means no matter what the situations are, I will and definitely have to always be liking the person that I’m in love with.

O. Love Is A Decision.
I’m 100% agree with this statement. I first heard this saying when I was on a retreat years ago. If you decide to start loving someone then it must be tattooed in your mind that here you’re going to give away your freedom to choose to someone that you believe that he/she is the one for you. So, there’s supposed to be no more divorces!

V. Love Ourselves First.
How can we love others if we don’t know how to love ourselves first? We don’t want them to taste our bitterness; we want them to taste the “love”. So, let’s pour those loves away…

E. Love Is Risky.
Love is risky and complicated. It involves a lot of things. It will include your past, present and future; your family, your privacy, your friends, your best friends, your emotions, your moods, your health, your wealth, your heartaches, your mind, your soul, and most importantly your heart! But don’t be afraid to give your heart away. Go for it and take the risk. It is worth it. You will never know what is in front of you until you take the step. Remember, every beautiful rose has its thorn. So, brave yourself. And if you fall down because of love…
Don’t give up…

I HATE YOU GOD!

Whenever I feel depressed or feel like I don’t know how to get out of my problems, I usually get myself to pray. But before that I usually get mad hehe… and most of my depressed-prayer are using the words on the title of this writing. I hate You! Yes, my prayers has become angry-prayers. On the prayer I will ask Him lotta lotta favors to help me out of the problems. Again, I am a very terrible prayer. At some point I used to curse Him (forgive me Lord!). Please put in your mind that I’m writing this not to showing off that I’m a very brave man so I’m not afraid of my god. It’s a BIG NO!!! All I want to say is that I am so grateful that I have a God that really really knows me very well, way beyond I know myself. He is a very gentle God. He understands. And He hears! No matter what kind of prayer that we are praying to Him. Even if we are angry in our prayers. Even if we are so very angry in our prayers. Because He knows what we are. And after that He will absolutely give us answers and way out.
Don’t be afraid to open our hearts when we are praying. Let Him knows our feelings. Let Him heals them.
Let Him… (This writing was inspired from “Jo the Feminist”)

LUNA MAYA HEART

I think Luna Maya is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in Indonesia today. For me she is a perfect 10. She has perfect look from every angle including from her back. Yes, she got a sexy back too. She is the kind of woman that can attract people from a distance. She has an outburst aura coming out of her, so when she’s around a crowd people can fix their eyes right to her in an instant. It’s her beauty that has made her become a public’s attention. And I believe that she also must have been taken care of her beauty that God has given her.
I think the analogy here is kinda same with our spiritual lives. I think we have to be able to attract people’s attention, of course in a positive way. We must have the Luna Maya’s look in our hearts which is beautiful, flawless, radiant, warm, tender & meek yet firm and unshakeable. But it’s impossible for us to be on that level, why? It’s because we were born with an incomplete and imperfect heart. We humans are inborn flawed heart organisms. To make it UN-flawed or to make it complete & perfect we have to make a call. To whom? To the answer of the lonely hearts. To the king of the broken hearts. To the heart itself.

To the sacred heart…

OH, MAN!

The economy today is like hell. I’ve almost cleaned up my savings because of that. The US Dollar hit Rp.12.500 today. Damn.

It sucks…..
Aaaaarrrrrggghhhhh!!!!! :-(

(I don't feel like writing now...)

WHY DO WE HAVE TO SING WHOLEHEARTEDLY

I was listening to “With or Without You” not the one by U2 but the one that was covered by Glay, one of the best J-Rock Band from Japan. I was so into that song, I always love that song. I think the melody, the arrangement, and everything about the song is so perfect. And Glay has done a very great cover of the song. When I sang along with Glay suddenly I felt so empowered, so lonely, and yet so intimate, and also I felt a bit moved inside my heart. My heart was touched. And that song is not a gospel song. I used to be a worship leader in my catholic community when I was in college. And it always had been a very great and beautiful moment to see people and everybody in the room sing along together, praising and worshiping God. And when I sang with Glay, the feeling came back. I used to think that the togetherness, the music, and the situations are the things that we always have to prepare perfectly if we want to FEEL a great and intimate worship moment. But it turns out not to be like that. We can be moved, empowered, spirited away, and feel all the great things of worshipping if we’re doing it WHOLEHEARTEDLY. At that moment we’re releasing and transferring the beautiful energy to everything and everyone that surrounds us. Yes, the things that I’ve said earlier like the music, etc are also very important. BUT now I know what the MOST important thing is if I want to worship Him. My heart…
I can’t live with or without you…

NOVEMBER LOVE

Nov/8/2008 08:00AM
Fear
I
You
This morning,
You gave me life
You lighted up my life
You made me alive
You brought me joy
You turned my happiness on
You set my heart on fire
You made me fall in love again
But this morning, it was deeper...
I will love You
I will hold You
I will always be there for You
You've just made my life surreal
And this morning, it was real...
This morning was love...
Tonight is love...
You
I
Love...
Nov/8/2008 07:54PM+A

THAT NIGHT WAS...

Yesterday my faith has been renewed. For the last couple of years my heart has become numbed. I've become a very tolerant person. I've tolerated to everything that the world has offered me. Including the part that I should've been said no. And yesterday He has pulled me back into the track. Have you ever been in that kind of situation? The situation where you think you're right and then the wise guy comes to you and suddenly everything seems so very wrong. And I was in that situation yesterday. How did I feel? I felt bad, not good, and awkward. I felt so very sin, but finally felt so relieve. It was all started when a text message came in and in a split second everything's changed. That night, He has put me... wait, I mean, I HAVE PUT MYSELF in a situation where I didn't know where to go, didn't know what was I suppose to do, and didn't know to whom should I tell or share my problem with. Yes, it was all because of my own mistake. I've slipped. And that night, it was the night when I prayed so deep, intimate, and felt each and every word that came out of my mouth again. I have forgotten on how to pray so deep and intimate. And that night, each and every word of the prayer has becoming so real. The prayer seemed has become the lightning that struck me in the heart each time I said the word of the prayer. I was shocked. Shocked of recognizing all the bad things and deeds that I've said and done. It was like a movie in my mind. I also felt so afraid that night. Afraid of being caught up. Afraid of humiliating my family. Afraid of the becoming of my future. Afraid of what would people think of me. He pulled me hard this time. So hard. I was strayed too far. And I slipped, big time. I was falling off the cliff. That night, I was hanging to His outstretched arm only. So He had to pull me in the hard way. And I was saved again. I can't remember how many times in my life that He has saved me. It's countless! Maybe what you read here is a very cliché story. But for me, it was life saving. And I hope the 'that night' experience can also change the way you relate to Him.
Dear God, I thank You for saving me from my most dangerous mistake. Please forgive me for all the disappointments that I have put in the heart of every person that I have hurt. I myself is also hurt Lord. Thank you for healing me. Thank you for saving me from that horrific night. Amen.
That night was... frightening. And tonight, it's... raining.

Thank You...

A BROKEN VOW

You have made me from your heart
I am you and you are me
You’ve promised me
That you will always be there for me
You gave me your life
You took my pain
You heal my wound
You cured my diseases
You save me
You died for me
You love me with all your heart, mind, and soul
But,
My heart is too shattered to have you in it
I can’t do all the things that you have done
I can’t save you
I’m not brave enough to die for you
I don’t know whether I want to give my life for you
I am good at disappointing you
I can’t promise you that I will always be there for you
I never come to your Sunday party
I’m impatient and rarely speak to you
I can’t always set my mind on you
But,
I’m doing all those things

With my heart on your palm…

I’M STILL HURT

It’s been a month since my last pain in my heart. But still the pain is there. Wait, maybe it’s not the pain it’s anger. I don’t know. Why do we feel so mad if someone has lied to us, especially someone that we really love or care about? The madness level seems like reach over the top when they lied to us. Until today I’m still hurt. I’m still angry every time I meet the person. I don’t even want to look at the face. I don’t want to talk like we used to be. I just want to stay so very away from the person. I know that I have to forgive. I know that I have to let it go. It turns out that time is the only thing that I do really need at this moment. Maybe I just should wait until I’m ready again. But for how long? A year? Or two years? Or for the rest of my life??? Hell, no! At some points I know that I have to solve the main problem. I have to talk to the person and told the person that the person has hurt me. For a month I’ve been waiting for the person to realize by the person’s own that the person has hurt me. But I think the person never realizes it hehehe… so, maybe I’m the one who have to take the step. Sometimes we have to wound the scar to make it heal faster. In this case I’m gonna need some instruments to back me up. The most important thing is I’m gonna need the prayer-line as the medication after the re-hurting process. It’ll stop the bleeding. After that I need some positive words like preaches, supports, etc as my gauze packs and drugs. It’ll keep my wound clean and dry. Finally I need my friends as my food intake and my source of vitamins. They’ll keep my healthy wound tissues grow faster. Oh, one last thing, I think I need the betadine too. And that is you, pray for me please!

I need the anesthesiologist here!!!...

IF I WERE JOB

Sometimes I think that we human are only God’s toy. We don’t have the right or anything to be angry, to be upset of what He had done in our lives. Just like Job. He loved God and obeyed Him with his whole life and family. But see what God had done in Job’s life. He let Job being crushed down. And everything that Job had had in his life was destroyed, his stocks, money, and his family. It seemed that Job was just a toy in God’s eyes. But if we read back to the 1st chapter of Job’s book. We’ll find that God had made a bet with satan. In this case God had to use Job as His tool to show satan that satan would never win. Because God believed that He can count on Job to show His glory. If I were Job, maybe I would have left God. I would curse Him. I’d be very very angry and maybe I’d become an atheist because of that. But thank God I wasn’t Job. And thank Him that He always chooses the right guy. So, I have to begin thinking that things like misery, death, desperation, broken heart, are not the things that God really wants us to have in our lives. He wants the best for all of us. If those difficulties come, then there must be a very glorious reason for that. Either for His glory or our glory. Maybe we’re all just His toys. But all I know that He adores His toys very much.

Just hang in there…

JUST OPEN IT!

Many people think that God is so hard to be approached. The good news is He’s not! I use to think that way too. Oh, God where are You when I need You? Oh, stay away God I’m so sinful I don’t deserve You! Or, God, I know that You hear me but I can’t see You! C’mon God show me Your face! Instructions, orders, whines, fears, I think those are the things that always keep us “away” from Him. After some years of ups and downs on my religious journey, well, most of ‘em are downs hehe… I’ve finally found something. God is so simple. Just imagine that He is your dad who loves you, embrace you –this is important- “when you run to him!” Our God is not a ‘pushy’ God. He always listens, watch, and respect our will as human (which is His own creation hehe… kinda ironic isn’t it?). Like a kid we can always come to Him anytime, anywhere. He’ll never resist us. He will never says, Ummm sorry kiddo, could you come back later I have a talk here with my Mom, Mother Mary? You know Her don’t you? Or, what are you doing you irresponsible selfish kid? Can’t you see here I’m busy? He’s never busy! His job is always to be there for us. His job is listening, watching, and fulfilling our needs. Hmm, sounds too good? Well, take it or leave it. What kind of connection is God using to connect with us? It’s an ‘open-hearted’ connection! As long as we open our hearts to Him, then have no doubts that He is there for you. Don’t let our sins, our negative acts, our broken hearts, our incontinences; our low self esteems, etc, etc block our connections with Him. Even if you can clean it up, just push those negatives aside and make a path for Him. He won’t mind to walk into your filthy heart. All he sees is our tiny, very small missing and crying heart. Don’t let our self ego tell us that we are so not deserve Him. Well, the truth is WE ARE NOT deserving Him. But the good news is that He has made us deserved and honored in His eyes. What is better than that? Let’s open our hearts, no matter what and where you are.
Just open it…

EPILEPTIC LOVE

This afternoon I’ve been shown about another greatness of love. My clinic got a call from a lady whom asked me to come and have a home-visit to her place. She wanted me to give a Phenobarbital injection for her epileptic son. She is not young, maybe around 60 to 70 years old. And her son is about 30 something. Could you imagine that? She’s been taking care of her son for almost 30 years. A few months ago I had come to her place also to treat her son. The first time I went there I felt so sorry. And this afternoon my heart has been touched again. Instead I felt sorry for her and her son I felt bad for myself. Why? Because I saw the meaning of loving in that house, in her eyes, and in her son’s eyes. I don’t think I can spend my life just to stay at home and look after a family member when they’re sick. And my mom had done it to my stepfather. Suddenly I miss my mom. And I feel so very guilty. I know I’m too damn selfish. I never treat her right. What I meant is that I don’t think I have given my mom the LOVE. The love that I have seen at my patient’s house. The love that is not thinking about ourselves but thinking about others. I always give her my epileptic love that is not perfect and always have a seizure on it. And the seizure always attacks every time I have to give the love to someone. I realize that I have to learn but I never begin.

Somebody, please! Inject me that pheLOVEbarbital…

WHY PAIN?

Today the pain is back into my heart. I don’t know what’s going on in me but after some happy moments, well actually not that happy, the pain is back. It attacks with the strength level 50%, it means half than the pain that I’ve had before. With that amount of attacking power I still can take a deep breath, take steps and not crying (yes, I cried! Happy?). But still it hurts! Well, let’s move on now. Why do we have to feel pain? And why does it named ‘pain’? Why not ‘happy’ instead? After some thinking then I got some of the answer from ‘Dr. Bailey’ (she’s in Grey’s Anatomy, remember?). She said that: “Pain is there for a reason”. Then I started to think, what is the reason? And I came up with this: Pain existing to play its role as a threshold meter of our hearts. It’s kind of the same situation when we do surgery. When the patient feels the pain, that means alert. So when we feel pain we know when to say stop and let our hearts grief instead of letting it dead. When we have a dead heart it means we have lost our capability of loving. Pain is triggered by negative things such as betrayal. So, pain also act as a reminder, it reminds us of not doing the same negative things to other especially to the people we love. Sometimes pain also does its job as a tool to humble us. When we’re getting so very high and not reachable by others around us, pain will take us down back to the place of loving. And finally, I think pain is there to make us know how others feel. So we can have an unselfish heart and learn to let go.
Pain is inevitable, so I guess when the pain attacks, let’s not focus to the feeling but instead let’s focus to the heart. Why pain? I think it’s because it’s fast-acting.
Pain is there for a reason…

32

Oh, My God! I'm Old! Noooo!!! Kees! Wake up you fat doctor [slap, slap on the face]. Yes, [sniff, sniff] you are right that’s the number of my age this year, 32. Are you happy now [covering the crying face]? Nooooooo!!! [enough, shut up, get a grip Kees!]
[Cooling down mode, take a deep breath and sigh… hahhhhhhh… whooosaaaaa…]

Ok, let’s do some introspection here:
What have I done? Not much.
What have I given? I don’t remember, I guess a little.
What have I gained? Wait, I know, I know, my weight.
What was the coolest thing that I‘ve ever done?

Hmm, bought an iPod.
What have I loved? Money.
What have I more loved? Money.
What do I love? God?
What do I want for life? Being a super duper rich man.
What do I really want for life? Being a great rich physician.
When will I get married? No comment.
What will I do on my first day as a 32? Kiss my mom.
What is my plan on my age of 32?

Buy a new laptop, buy a Nokia E90, and lose weight.
What is my hope for this year? USA.
And what is my 32 prayer?

Dear God… I thank you…

[Nooooooo!!! I’m 32!!!]

COMING HOME

In a few days all the Moslem people will celebrate Idul Fitri. It is the day of celebration after they have fasted for one whole month. It is the day of being reborn in their whole existence as a human being. It is the day when they will come home and meet the entire family. I personally think that it always been a very pleasure moment when you will have a home-coming moment. There’s a romantic scent in it, also some overwhelming feelings that cover the heart, mind, body and soul. And you will suddenly water your eyes because of it. Watching my nurses packed and left the door for their home trip or we call it “mudik” here, is a very sad, no wait… I think it was more like happy feeling imagining all the trips, the can’t-wait-to-see-my-family kinda feeling, the smell of the home-sweet-home fragrance, and many more.
Well, I guess there’s always a place for home…

SELAMAT HARI RAYA IDUL FITRI
MOHON MAAF LAHIR & BATIN

Maafin Yee!!!...

YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE

Today God has given me another insight. He said, "You have to receive love, have it and understand it in its fullest in your heart and life, then you can start giving the love unconditionally."
I try to love someone and of course I really really want that person to love me back, but after some times I feel that I have never received the same love from that person. And this morning I have understood the reason. That person has never tasted love before and in order to return the love that person must know first the taste of being loved completely. So, after the person's hunger of love has been fully satisfied then that person can start giving others the beautiful love that the person has tasted. Hmmm, then it’s gonna take some times right? Exactly, like 'The Supremes' & 'Phil Collins' said,

You Can't Hurry Love!...

SOMETIMES

Sometimes we push the things that we think it’s the right one for the people that we love. We forgot that sometimes the best way is to give them what they really want. Yes, it’s very hard and sometimes also heartbreaking, but I think we have to remember that when we push what we’re really wanted, it means that we’re being selfish. Because we don’t want to lose them. Because we want it that way. Because we want our hearts feel secured. And not being left which make us into loneliness. Yes, we gave them our hearts, attentions, cares, affections, and love but sometimes we give them not in the right way. We give them with pressure. We give them with hope, the hope for ourselves of being treated in the same manners. Sometimes we said that we’re focused our attentions to them but the truth is we’re not. We’re thinking of something else. We said that we love them and want to hold them forever but the truth is we’re holding them too tight so it might choke them and made them barely breath. Do we love just to be loved? Do we care just to be cared? Do we help just to be helped? Sometimes heart is so difficult to be understood. Sometimes heart needs some times to heal. Sometimes heart needs its own times. Sometimes heart needs love in a very little portion, an uplifting portion. Sometimes we just need to hear the heart.

And sometimes we just have to let our hearts hurt…

ANGERLOVE MANAGEMENT

Yesterday I had a chat with my friend. From that conversation I found out that how easy people to forget about almost everything especially when they’re on an angry situation. We were discussed about how love can make us hurt. I told him that he has to seek the root, the cause; the ‘main thing’ that has drove him crazy or hurt. What I’m saying is if you don’t know what thing that really have made you upset then you cannot get out of the problem in an instance. We have to stop, seek inside us, think, and then us off to go. After I told him almost about everything a moment later he started to complaint again on the same subject. Gosh, he drove me crazy. I felt like I wanted to yell at him and say: “what is wrong with you dude?” but of course I didn’t do that hehe… I was too scared to hurt his feeling. Another lesson that I have learned was that anger or any negative emotions always stop you to think rationally. And I guess that’s what my friend just had. So what did I do? I just sat there and listened. After some times, he began to soften-out (yeah, and my ear has harden-out). And then he gradually started to saw the problem. Finally, he said: “Yeah man, I think I have to let go”. I was glad that he can solve his own problem. Did I help? Not much hehe… Well, it’s always true about old-sayings. “Always think with a clear head”.

Sssshhh, I am hearing me…

JIM

Jim is my brother. He is stubborn like my dad but also fun like my mom. He loves mom very much. He loves black. Because it’s the color of a man he said. He has an S-2 degree and he’s reaching his goals to be the most successful entrepreneur in Indonesia right now. He has a very beautiful wife and a beautiful daughter on his side, and he’s planning on having a new baby. He is so hairy, he left hairs everywhere. So, it’s an easy job to track him down. He lives in Depok and waiting his house to be done. He’s a family man. He has a leader-quality of heart. He’s firm in every single decision he made. He loves sexy girls and Pamela Anderson. He’s a cool J-Rock band vocalist. He cares to people. He has a very sensitive heart. He is a melancholy guy. He is my brother, and I love him. His name is Jim.

Hepi 29th bersdey (09-01-08) brow…

MARHABAN YA RAMADHAN

These are the words that always been said by the Moslem to welcome the month of fasting, the month of Ramadhan. It is the month when people must do a fast and hold back all the negative attitudes in their lives. A few days before the Ramadhan come, the Moslem people usually do some rituals, like visiting their relatives’ graves to pray for them, or asking forgiveness to others so they can enter the Ramadhan with a new and clean heart. For me there are a lot of good messages that we also can learn from the Ramadhan. And I think we should apply them on our every day’s lives. The fast, we can learn on how to control our body and not being controlled. The rituals, here we are being reminded that we should respect our families because family is the place where we spend our lives and to learn on giving love. The forgiveness, no matter what we always have to set a room for forgiveness in our hearts. Remember 77x7. The prayers, I myself learn that calling His name is always make Him happy, anytime, anywhere, because He’s in love with you and me.

Happy Ramadhan…

FINALLY

Stupid question: “Have you ever been in love?”
Me? For the last 31 years of my life I never knew of the feeling of being in love. Hehe, sounds like a crazy & stupid lie huh? Well, that was what really happened. This morning I finally knew, actually maybe the right word is understood, of that feeling. I found it funny that it’s true that we’re gonna be the stupidest person when we’re in love. All those things that have been said by the people whom are in love are true. I have become the most ridiculous person in this world, on my own world actually hehe… like yesterday, I was desperately and badly missed my love so much so it made me think to jump on my car and drive all the way long just to see that person’s face. And I did. Gosh, I’m insane. I used to be so lazy to drive. Another craziness; is that I want to make my loved one happy, as if I want to buy the world just to make my love happy. I don’t want my love to be sick, hurt, feel sad, mad, bad, etc, etc… I want to be near my love all the time; I want to hear my loved one’s laughter, giggles, see the wrinkles on the eye’s corner when my love is laughing. I want to hug, to hold, to walk together forever and ever. And spend the rest of my life with my loved one. And what makes me happy most is especially I wanted to hear my love saying: I love you too, Kees. And after that I will hug my love so close until the warm of our love hold us closer and make the time stop.
Today I thank God for giving me all of these whole new experiences. Why? Because again I finally knew the way He feels about me! He is so deeply in love in me and His love for me made Him died. I used to think that yeah I know that He died for me; I used to say I love You Lord with all my heart, and bla bla bla… but actually I never meant it. And now, I finally understand. And I don’t think I have reached that kind of loving.
I guess I’m in love with You too, Lord…

08/17/08

Happy 63rd Independence Day, Indonesia!
You’re getting older now.
Look at those wrinkles,
Some of them were from us.
Thank you for letting us lives in these beautiful lands.
We haven’t gave much for you and,
We also haven’t done much for you.
But one thing we promise you,
That we will love you till the end.

Merdeka!

Dirgahayu Republik Indonesia...

THE OSCAR

VALUE #1:
Nilai-nilai kehidupan yang tinggi meski buat mereka masih sulit diikuti namun itulah yang harus dipegang, diperjuangkan dan dicintai.
“…the great values of life in which hard for them to follow but deserve to be embraced, to be struggled, and to be loved.”
VALUE #2:
Rasanya lebih bisa menerima para mantan imam yang menanggalkan jubah daripada mereka yang terus berjubah tapi menjadi pemain drama piawai yang pantas diganjar Oscar karena kemampuannya menutupi permainan di belakang layar namun berakibat parah bagi para korbannya.
“…it seems more tolerable to see the priests whom put down their cloaks than to see the priests whom still wear their cloaks on but they’ve become a great actor whom deserve Oscar because their ability to cover their behind the screen acts in which give a horrible impact for their victims.”

These are the lines that I’ve quoted from Yurika Agustina’s blog (see I Blog U). Why did I quote them? It’s because, they slapped me hard twice. These lines are written by Yurika in her blog on her World Youth Day cover story. She wrote them beautifully, you have to read them. And they slapped me hard, twice.

SLAP # 1! Ouch…
I have become a person where I think that I know all the values of life that God has taught me. But I’m too arrogant to embrace the values, to struggle the values, and also to love the values. I’m too arrogant to admit that I need Him. At this moment I have reached to a point where I think I know God very well. I think I know Him better than everybody else. But after I read Yurika’s I realized that I’ve been gone astray too very far from Him. All this time I think I know Him so well, but the truth is I didn’t.
SLAP # 2! Very Ouch…
There were priests in Australia who have done sexual abuses to children. It was a pedophilia case. Pope himself has to apologize to the victims and the victims’ family because of these irresponsible priests. And again, when I read Yurika’s I felt like I’m one of those priests. I am not a pedophilic. But I’m a good actor or even you can call me a great actor. I am so good in covering things and then act holy in front of everybody else. I can say like: “Hey, don’t worry. It’s ok. God Loves You. Let me pray for You.” And after that I go back to my old habit and play my role so great and make the director (i.e. the devil) so proud of me and I win an Oscar, again. I have collected so many Oscars. I’ve won Best Actor. I’ve won Best Supporting Actor. I’ve won Best Villain. And I’ve won so many more, just name it. The worst thing of all is that I am proud of it and I enjoy it.
Well, todays slapped has made me think again, in which role that I really want and have to play. Please pray for me.

And the Oscar goes to…

WE’RE SOMETHING

Weeks ago I saw a picture on a newspaper. It was the picture of “World Youth Day” event in Sydney, Australia. The photo was shot from above the earth, so it looked like a photo satellite.
The picture reminded me of the image of ants. When I saw that photo I felt ashamed of myself. And I began to think of how God see us human on earth. Frankly speaking, at that moment I started to think that we’re nothing in this world. We’re so small. We’re just like a bunch of ants in His eyes. Often we think that we are the most important person in the world so everybody must pay attention to us. And how many times in our lives that we think our problems are the biggest problems in the world that nobody could understand it not even God. All this time I often think about this question myself: “How does God solve all of the human problems?” After I saw that photo, now I know the answer. I don’t have to know how but all I have to know is that it’s a very easy job for Him to do or accomplish. Again, we’re just like ants in His eyes, well it’s a phrase. It means we don’t have to be worry about how is He going to solve it, or does He really listening our prayer, or does He really know my problems, and so on, and so on. The answer is YES. So, what should we do when troubles come then? Just cry for help to Him. He hears, He knows, and He will solve it. Just trust Him completely.

Yes, we’re something…

THE TRUE GOSSIPER

I am a TG, a True Gossiper. I love to talk about others especially the bad ones. E.G., my chief is a very very cheap guy, so I and my nurses love to die to talk about his cheapness. And sometimes I curse him in the middle of our gossip (OMG what have I done?). Anyway, gossiping has become one of my ways to relieve stress. This morning I just did it again. I gossiped the chief again. Man, he is so damn cheap! I think it's ok to gossiping, as long as the person is not hearing it. I think it's ok to gossiping as long as we gossiping about the truth and the fact. What if I become the 'victim'? Actually, I don't really care what others might say about me. Because, I think only God & me who really know myself very well. So, it doesn't matter what others think about me. BUT it's very hard to find very objective persons. To have a very healthy gossip session we need objective people in it. Why? It's to avoid 'bonus tracks' on the topic that we're gossiping about. It's the devil's nature in us human to add 'elements', usually the negative ones, when we're gossiping someone or something. I myself have also a very hard time to do it. Because it's more fun when we add 'the negative elements' on our gossip. Why? I think it's because we don't want to be 'the black sheep'. We always want to be 'the right one' although we're wrong! So, to make gossip gives a dual benefit (for the gossiper and the gossiped) we have to learn to lift up the positive elements to surface. Hmm, let me try.
I think my chief is cheap because his parents are cheap too...

DEAR GOD (A PRAYER FOR J)

Dear God, I pray to You today for my friend J.
I don't know what kind of troubles that she's facing right now. All I know that she sounds very desperate, feeling unloved, crushed down, so deeply miserable and especially she feels that she's gonna lose the person that she's in love everyday.

Dear God, I know that You know J much better than me.
You know her heart because You are the one who made it. You know her troubles way before she’s gonna have them. And You know all the ways and answers that will set her free.

Dear God, do You know that J is in love?
I know You do.
I pray to You to give her comfort on Your teaching about the meaning of loving. And I pray to You to ease and lift up her burdens and pains when You mold her heart because You want her to be ready for Your gift of love.

Dear God, I also pray for the person that J is so in love with.
I pray to You that he’s gonna be J’s best teacher on how to love and being loved. When You decide to make him J’s love of her life, may they become the example of Your own true love. But when You decide of not put him on J’s love I believe that You are the one whose gonna replace him in her heart. Because You are love…

Dear God, I pray to You today for my friend J…

OLD YOUNG

This question pops up on my head. Why do grown-ups sometimes act like a kid? My answer is because adult people are somehow beginning as a kid. I am 32 now. But somehow there are moments when I act like a kid; well to be honest that happens quite often. I can’t lie about my physical appearance, it looks old and so damn fat… oh and also don’t forget about the hair. But I love cartoon very much. I love wearing jeans, because they make me look much younger. I love dye my hair, because it looks cool on me. So what’s the problem? The problem is, is it ok to act younger than we should? Do we really have to let go all the habits that are felt so good when we’re young? I myself think that the answer is NO. But we have to add a very important element on that ‘childish’ happiness. That is responsibility! It means we can act or do anything that seems ‘childish’ as long as we do it properly. We don’t have to choose to be young today and being mature on the next day. We can become both. Isn’t it great to be look mature outside and feel so very young inside at the same time? I think people are gonna see us as a happy, mature, and fully responsible person.
Well, maybe you disagree…

RYAN A.K.A BROKEN LOVE

The serial murders that Ryan has done are another example of how great is the power of love. The police investigations have shown us that ‘little Ryan’ was a never-taste-love kinda boy. During his high school, his friends always mocked him and called him ‘sissy’. On those crucial moments of Ryan’s life, he never discovered love. When he has grown up he looked for love in the wrong place. I think those are the causes that have made Ryan now. So, can we blame him of what he has done? Absolutely yes! It is always wrong to kill a man. Hmm, doesn’t that make us sound normal? If I want to mirror myself on Ryan, I think I have something in common. Wait, I know what you’re thinking. The thing is that I also learn love in a very hard way. There are moments in our lives that we also done something wrong that turns out it was the result of our pass failed-love experience. I myself often made lots of misinterpretations of love. And they’re all because of my pass failed-love, my broken love. In 1997 my love experience has changed dramatically. It was the year when I met the love Himself. So, what can we conclude from all of these? I think, we can say that it always takes two to love.
We have to love and to be loved…

EVIL ME

I am a bad person! I am an evil! And here’s why. This afternoon a guy came to my clinic, he wanted to treat his right foot from of a nail-punctured wound. He got wounded 2 days ago at his workplace. He works at a construction site. The wound was swollen and infected because of the late treatment. The main problem was that this guy didn’t bring enough money. What did I do then? NOTHING. Instead of treated him I turned him down just because I don’t want to make my boss get mad at me for the less-charge bill. My clinic is a very expensive place to get a healthcare. If you don’t have at least Rp.200.000. - then don’t even think to come. After that I felt like a racist, I felt like I’ve become a go-away-you-poor-people-I-don’t-want-to-see-you kinda guy, and I felt so very bad for myself. Because I still can help the guy & cover the rest of the bill on me. Or I can treat his wound and give a prescription so he can buy the medicine at another drugstore. But I didn’t’ do it all. I didn’t want to use my money for him or even think some ways to help him solve the problem. I fled. I ran away from the problem. I didn’t want to move from my safe place. I was chicken out. I was too afraid to say to my boss & told him that he’s wrong.
And then the guy left, with a big smile, and said: “Thank you so much doc”. I knew it was his sincere thanks. His eyes said it. I tried to reply him with my very best smile which actually was very bitter and hurt.

To Arip, I am so sorry…

Rp.10.000.-

A today’s TV show has reminded me again about the value of money. There is this group of women in Nusa Tenggara Barat whose their job is about making roof from grass. They got paid for Rp.10.000. - PER DAY! That equals about $1 per day. You bust your ass from dawn to night and all you can get is only Rp.10.000. - ? Could you imagine that? In this very 2008, their wages are much smaller than the price of a ‘BigMac’. At that moment I felt like I’m the worst person in the world. I felt like I’m the winner of a spend-your-money-till-you-drop-and-let-others-in-misery game show. But then I realized… that’s life man! On one part we think that it’s ok to spend our money recklessly, while on the other part of the world some people are have no money at all or even worse they have no life. Well, I guess what should I do is I have to start tighten my pocket a bit, have empathy for the ‘unhave’ & if it’s possible maybe I should also share some ‘life’ with the one who needs it. And when that let’s-go-waste-some-money desire comes again, I have to learn to say ‘not now’! I have to learn again how to value money without slipping into idolize it.
Rp.10.000. - is not easy to earn…

100% LOVE

Lately my job has really really consumed my time a lot. So it made me kinda hard to update my blog and whether I realize it or not, my writings are also a bit changed. Most of them talk about love. I love animes, especially the one with the story about adventures, heroes and stuffs. Currently, I’m watching ‘Kekkaishi’. An anime about guardians of a sacred land. On one of its episodes, it mentioned about love. Once again this love thing came up. And I got the title for today’s writing also from ‘Kekkaishi’.I don’t know maybe someone, whom love me bery bery much, up there is trying to send me some kind of message: Dude, you’re really outta love these days! Wake up! Question, do I really have lost my ‘to love’ capability? Uummm……… I guess so. I feel that I have become so easily angry, thinking negative about others, and doing a lot of ‘me first’ conditions. I think those are the signs of losing love. All my life I have NEVER been in a situation which I have to give a 100% love. If you’ve been there please leave a comment. I mean it. I myself believe there is no such thing as a 100% love. We human can only GIVE 50% MAX! What about the rest? Well, I think the rest is the space that He has put in us, in order to RECEIVE love from others. So the equation is gonna be something like this: 50% MY LOVE + 50% OTHERS LOVE = 100% LOVE. So I think we don’t have to be desperate about our incapabilities of loving. And we don’t have to brag and say, I love you with all my heart. Remember, we are able to love not because we have a very big heart. Our hearts are too fragile to give love that much. We are able to love because we have been loved first by Him. I think all we have to do is giving our bestest quality of love without even bother with the quantity.
Yoshimori, the main character of ‘Kekkasihi’, said: “I want to do it because; I do not want my loved ones to get hurt”. Let’s start giving love.
Ketsu…

LIFE’S PURPOSE?

Can you answer that? If you ask me the question, I don’t think I can give you the answer right away. Next question, why does God send us human into this weird world? For the last 17 years of my life, I still couldn’t figure it out.
At first, I thought we all live in this world is just to wait our time to die. And then the thought grew, I thought we live in this world is to get educated, get a beautiful girlfriend, get married, have kids, grow old in happiness, and finally die and go to heaven. Hmmm, sounds good right? But on my second quarter of life I began to think that we all live just because we have to, so what about it? It means, if we didn’t do anything good or beneficial to others then our lives mean nothing. So I thought, we have to make our lives more valuable and meaningful.
And now, the thought grows older and hopefully wiser too. I think we all were being sent to live in this world is because…
We have to bring love to this weird world…

CHRIST FLASH

It’s been a few weeks since my last log-on to my blog. It’s because I’ve changed my internet provider. Yup, I’m using Telkomsel Flash now hehe… Thanks to Telkomsel 3G coverage that has cover my area now. It’s great to have a quite fast internet connection. I can connect anytime & anywhere. As usual this 3G thing also made me think about my relationship with my family, friends and Him. Until now I think I still haven’t upgraded my connection. I’m still using the GPRS instead of HSDPA. My connection is so slow, very unstable, easily interrupted, and lots of disconnections! When people including Him try to ‘download’ thru me, my system is usually on a ‘very down’ situation. It’s hard to connect to me. On the other side it’s totally different if I want to ‘upload’. It’s always fast and secure but it usually ends up with damaging ‘the heart’ of the system. In other words, I’m selfish. A while ago I had this uncomfortable feeling to my nurses; they were very annoying that day. I didn’t know why, maybe they’re having their periods. It was so annoying till it made me think to ‘duck’ with them. My connection was down that day. And then I realized (again? Hehe…), what the heck am I thinking? I can’t be this way. I can do better. So, I passed that day in a relief. But… I forgot one thing. Him, God. I forgot that if I want to have a good connection for others I have to connect to the best ‘Server’ ever, the G(od) network. That is the Christ Flash.

Connecting…

ALLAHU AKBAR

When I spent my night at my clinic yesterday, I let my window open so I can hear the sounds of nature. And that night has become a perfect sleep for me after not have perfect sleeps for days. What made it even better was when I woke up at dawn & heard the adzan subuh. That was the most beautiful male voice that sang adzan I’ve ever heard. And I miss God. That dawn was so silent, only crickets, a few cars, some dog's barks, the air con, the adzan, and my breath. My tears fallen. I miss him, that dawn I felt so close to Him as if He's lying next to me.
Faint but also strong the adzan said, Allahu Akbar, means God Almighty. You are God, You are.

I miss to dance with Him again; I miss the laugh, the hug, the look, and everything.
Allahu akbar, Allahu akbar, how great Thou art o' God...

GOOD MORNING INDONESIA

Good morning Indonesia,
Today is a brand new day
Why do you look so sad?
I hear you when I pray

Sing the song that we used to sing
Together we will make thru the day
Why are you crying?
Don’t you hear what I say?

Listen, the music starts
Take my hand and run the dance
We will never be apart
You and I that we will stand

The morning has come
Don’t be afraid and gone astray
Say the prayer for the Prince has come
Alleluia, alleluia, for the Lord we pray

Good morning Indonesia…

FAILED I.V.

Today I feel so terrible because, again, I fail on doing an IV line insertion. That’s sucks. I just not so into the IV line. IV line has become some kind of pain in my back since my internship. And today I failed again on an old Korean lady. What made it worse was I failed on both of her hands. I know it’s much more difficult to do an IV on elderly because their veins are more fragile than younger people; and their surrounding tissues are also has much loosen-up. Still those aren’t the things that can make me not doing an IV as a physician. I guess I’m not an IV expertise. That’s sucks. An MD has and should know on how to do an IV. After hours of bad feelings, a bit anger, pretty much sad, and also have a useless feeling; I begin to accept the things that I cannot do. I am a doctor and I am aware of that. What I didn’t know was that it’s ok to have mistakes as long as I know that it’s a mistake and I’m willing to learn so I can give my patient the best treatment for them instead of risking them. My manhood pride has taken me into this you-are-a-loser-when-you-fail kind of feeling. And after what happened today, I realize that I have to be a you-are-a-winner-when-you-admit-your-lacking-ability kinda guy.
Hand me the IV cath, please…

LOVELUST

My friend told me that a good sex must be based on love (or I might say ‘Religious Sex’), other than that it turns into lust. I doubt that. Maybe we love someone so very much but when it comes to sex then the only thing that commands is lust. This is my own opinion of sex since my last one was “manual” (anybody… please?)… hehe sorry, bad joke. I remember the days when I got aroused, the only picture on my mind was Angelina Jolie. I know I am a bad bad sinner. So, in that case the only thing that controls you at that moment is your lust. Maybe you recall your beautiful wife but I don’t think that you will recall the picture of your wife’s kindness when you got aroused, instead you will have a picture the beautiful body of your wife (it’s a lust); the sexiness of your loved ones’ neck (it’s a lust); the smooth-shaving legs of your honey bunny (it’s a lust); the boobs (it’s a lust); the face (it’s a lust); etc, etc… I just mean anything that physical is what making you want to have sex. What we have to learn is how to manage & control our lust and put it in its own appropriate way. We can’t do sex to just anybody, that is so slob, so reckless & so immature. I think we have to use lust with love, care, tenderness & responsibility.
I call it "Lovelust"…

HOW TO BE HAPPY: 10 THINGS TO HAPPINESS

1. Make friends
2. Watch comedy
3. Listen to good music
4. Go on vacation
5. Go shopping
6. Watch the sunrise and the sunset
7. Know yourself
8. Know others
9. Know love
and...
10. From 1 – 9 you can find them all in knowing… G.O.D

FAITHFULLY

I have been walked thru the valley of death
But I never been walking faithfully thru the valley of death

I have been loved others with all my heart
But I never been loving others faithfully with all my heart

I have been served the Lord on every ministry
But I never been serving the Lord faithfully on every ministry

I have been praying all my life
But I never been praying faithfully all my life

I have been giving my life and heart
But I never been giving them faithfully

I have faith
But I never have faith faithfully

I have been falling in love
And I have been falling in love faithfully…

His lord said unto him, Well done, good and FAITHFUL servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will set thee over many things; enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
(Mat 25:23, ASV)

COCKY PROUDY

This writing was inspired again from my chat with my preacher friend. After a while we came up to a conversation where she said that she’s been in a condition where she felt so very cocky. It was when she got praise from her Bible-Study Lecturer, Mr. Stefan Leks whom is her favorite Catholic Preacher. Mr. Leks said that her sermon in the class is perfect, a.k.a The Best in the class. She got perfect-100 points for that. She is so proud of it because she’s just got praise by someone she adores so very much (I wonder what would happen to her if she got the praise from Jesus hehe… ). After that she has some kind of idea that she is the best and everybody else in the class is just a loser hehe. Thank God she realized it very soon and quickly took over her mind again. Question. Is it ok for us being cocky? Off course not, even satan knows that. But being PROUD of your self? That’s something else. Proud means we value ourselves more than usual without underestimate others. We have to put in our minds that we can be called superior because there are some people whom are called inferior! If there are no inferiors then we are just average. I think God has put proud in us so we can be proud of ourselves IN HIS NAME. For the sake of His glory. So, what should we do when this proud thing becomes too big and uncontrollable? Don’t wait till it turns into cocky-proud. Do like my friend did, seek help for support and PRAY!
A Cocky-Crusher prayer: “Dear Lord, I thank You for giving me this beautiful moment where I can taste a small part of the magnificent of Your enormous love. Help me to keep my feet on the ground. Remind me that I am just a small dust on Your overwhelming sea of grace. I am here for You and only because of You. May others see the beauty of Your love instead of the beauty in me… Amen”.
Let’s go out and be proud in Him…

HI, MY REAL NAME IS…

Have you watch ‘Gank Nero’ on TV? I have. Well, it’s kinda sad when you know that the moral of the people of our beloved country has way gone to a very low level. But I’m not gonna talk about moral. I’m not capable of that. I’m still fixing my own moral till now. What tickled my mind was when I watch the member of ‘Gank Nero’; they’re covering their own faces in front of the camera. When we watch every criminal on TV including politician who got caught by cops or others they always cover their faces. Why the face? Why not the hand?
Yes, I agree with you. Because the face is the only part of the human body that make others able to recognize you right away what’s inside you. Because the face shows your heart!
I myself am also like those criminals. I always cover my face almost on every circumstances but I do it in a smarter way. I wear invisible masks. I cover my face to make me look innocent. I want everybody think that I am a good person, a very nice guy who love children but not pedophilic, and I want everybody think that I am a strong & bold person. The latter is true but with an ‘A’ hehe. And there are many times in my life even when I go for a ministry, I want everybody think that I am a holy and a never do-hear-talk evil kinda preacher. And I let everybody think that they are much more sinner than The Prince Charming, me. Well, ‘Gank Nero’ surely doesn’t have to ‘Plonco’ me to wake me up from this face mask thing. Maybe it’s about time for me to take those covers off and give my heart a chance to reveal its real face.
Hi, my real name is… Wounded De Roode

I AM HAPPY

Last night I spent a night at my friend’s place. She is… (hey, hey hold that thought we weren’t doing nothing)… a friend who has a very close relationship with God. In a way, I love her closeness to God. So, last night before we went to sleep we had a few chat and laughter until we hit on her story when she went to china for ministry, yes she is a “Preacher”. When she went there for couple of weeks a Chinese man ask her to marry him hehe… you never can predict love. My friend ask him: “What makes you want to marry me?” He said that he’s amazed seeing my friend always seem HAPPY ALL THE TIME”. And then my friend replied: “So you want to know why? It’s because I have something that you don’t know. I have JESUS!”
That story really slapped me in the face, in the body, in the butt, and especially in my heart. I never think, actually since I never come to visit God again, I forgot that we can be a very powerful witness by the way we act, we walk, we talk, we see, and we hear. After my long disappearance from the Kingdom’s List, slowly but sure I begin to forget how to live as a member of the Kingdom of Heaven, as God’s best friend. And last night God say hi… again. To be honest, when He called thru my friend’s story I just looked down and walked away. I was too ashamed to raise my hand and wave back, and too ashamed to call Him back with a big smiling face, “Hey God! How are you? Long time no see.” I know He disappointed. And this morning after a great bath hehe… the water is so soothing and thanks again to my shampoo, I realize that I have to change. I want to become a great witness like my friend did. I want to be happy. So, the first priority is DIET and then I am going to start smiling… from the heart to the world. To be able to do that I have to call my bestest friend…
I am dialing now… 0856-12345-GOD (wow, the RBT is Menjaga Hati by Yovie & Nuno… hihihi)

SHAMPOO

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrr…….. aaahhhh, finally. I just got peed hihihihi… While I was peeing my eyes accidentally looked at a bluish, transparent, & not so tall bottle. It’s my shampoo. I thank God for creating shampoo for us human. I can’t imagine if shampoo had not been invented back then. I can’t be look so handsomely cute anymore, my hair would be so oily, a bit curly everywhere, very smelly off course and it will fall again making my eye-blinded head looks more eye-blinded hihihi… that’s why I love my shampoo. When I looked at the shampoo, it reminded me of… me hehehe, The Prince Charming. I don’t think I have put myself in a way like my shampoo. I never have made other people feels great, made others feel so relax, made others smell so good. I have seldom washed away others pain and heartache. And I have never made others in love with themselves, in love with me, and especially in love with The Master Cleaner… GOD. But, I’m still trying to be the best shampoo ever.
I am an ‘Emeron’ now…

THE FANS

I used to hate talent show like KDI or Mamamia because of the over exploited of sympathy & empathy. But last night somehow I began to put a little peek on the show. It was when Okta, one of the KDI contestant being set up to meet one of his big fan. It was the words that the fan has said that really changed my mind & point of view. He said: “I'm so PROUD of Okta, because he has INSPIRED me that we have to STRUGGLE very hard to make a better life and BELIEVE that we can do it”. The fan is a 'street musician' & so was Okta. When someone doesn’t have anything (I mean materially) then the spirit of the heart is the only thing that left. What if the spirit has already gone because of heartache, depression, and unsupportive environment? I think this is when ‘the role model’ or someone that we adore so very much plays its part. I don’t think Okta joined the competition because he wanted to support another street-musician to become a better person financially & spiritually. I think he was doing it for himself. Does it wrong? Does it sound selfish? I don’t think so. As long as we do everything in an honest way, put our whole existence in it, have a strong belief in it, and with love then the energy will influence others who watch us.
Let’s fight and hangin’ tough & be the light and the salt of the world…

MONEY PLEASE!

Yesterday I just got home at 2:30 am, yes... it's A.M., from work. Why? For the money off course. Do you guys ever realize that all the things we do in this globally-warming world are about making money? Even the global warming itself has happened because of money, because we human want to make everything faster and as great and comfortable as they possibly could without thinking over about the negative impacts. We wake up in the morning, every single day, for the sake of money. We want to be a great and highly-educated people because we want to make greater amount of money. We work and bust our asses till night, even for some people till dawn, for the stupid thing called money. We sell our pride for money. We let go our family for money. We sell sex for money. We sell our children, again, for money. We rob for money. We kill for... MONEY! I once watched on TV, a guy killed his friend for Rp.2000.- that's so 'money' crazy man! So, why on money God would allow this money thing exist in this 'money' world? If money doesn't exist from the first place all the negative things that I've mentioned before won't happen.

…………………………………. (Yes, I’m thinking)…....................................
Maybe the one who has created that horrific thing was us and the mistake is not on the money, but on us (Yeah, thanks a lot Adam! Because of you and Eve and that stupid apple we got the blame again). Our selfish heart has made us into persons that won't give anything for free and sincere. I think we have to start learning on how to collect money in an elegant way. And I think we have to start learning on how to give money without thinking that we’re gonna lose it.

Who wants money? Me, me, me, me…

THE ENEMY

Lately, I’ve been in a place where I have to help the person that I’m very very disappointed with. To be honest or if I want to say yes to my feeling I don’t want to help H. My very very disappointed heart still hurts. Every thing that H did, to my understanding H was doing it just to attract attention & care. In a simple way, H was faking it. Somehow my disappointed heart spoke to me in a very weak voice, almost like a very gentle & unheard whisper. Help H! And suddenly, all the good things that H has done for me rushed back into my memories. They’re warmed my heart. The next thing I knew was I’m helping H. Maybe it’s against my feeling and I wasn’t doing it with all my heart but still I did it anyway. Till now I still don’t know why I was doing it, maybe I was doing it for my heart. Maybe I was doing it just to be a better man. Or maybe I was doing it because... I was made FROM LOVE and TO LOVE.

All I know that my heart speaks to me again with that gentle voice. My heart said… thank you! To H, I am so sorry. I am trying to love you just the way you are…

Now, I’m trying to fight my worst enemy… me!