A BROKEN VOW

You have made me from your heart
I am you and you are me
You’ve promised me
That you will always be there for me
You gave me your life
You took my pain
You heal my wound
You cured my diseases
You save me
You died for me
You love me with all your heart, mind, and soul
But,
My heart is too shattered to have you in it
I can’t do all the things that you have done
I can’t save you
I’m not brave enough to die for you
I don’t know whether I want to give my life for you
I am good at disappointing you
I can’t promise you that I will always be there for you
I never come to your Sunday party
I’m impatient and rarely speak to you
I can’t always set my mind on you
But,
I’m doing all those things

With my heart on your palm…

I’M STILL HURT

It’s been a month since my last pain in my heart. But still the pain is there. Wait, maybe it’s not the pain it’s anger. I don’t know. Why do we feel so mad if someone has lied to us, especially someone that we really love or care about? The madness level seems like reach over the top when they lied to us. Until today I’m still hurt. I’m still angry every time I meet the person. I don’t even want to look at the face. I don’t want to talk like we used to be. I just want to stay so very away from the person. I know that I have to forgive. I know that I have to let it go. It turns out that time is the only thing that I do really need at this moment. Maybe I just should wait until I’m ready again. But for how long? A year? Or two years? Or for the rest of my life??? Hell, no! At some points I know that I have to solve the main problem. I have to talk to the person and told the person that the person has hurt me. For a month I’ve been waiting for the person to realize by the person’s own that the person has hurt me. But I think the person never realizes it hehehe… so, maybe I’m the one who have to take the step. Sometimes we have to wound the scar to make it heal faster. In this case I’m gonna need some instruments to back me up. The most important thing is I’m gonna need the prayer-line as the medication after the re-hurting process. It’ll stop the bleeding. After that I need some positive words like preaches, supports, etc as my gauze packs and drugs. It’ll keep my wound clean and dry. Finally I need my friends as my food intake and my source of vitamins. They’ll keep my healthy wound tissues grow faster. Oh, one last thing, I think I need the betadine too. And that is you, pray for me please!

I need the anesthesiologist here!!!...

IF I WERE JOB

Sometimes I think that we human are only God’s toy. We don’t have the right or anything to be angry, to be upset of what He had done in our lives. Just like Job. He loved God and obeyed Him with his whole life and family. But see what God had done in Job’s life. He let Job being crushed down. And everything that Job had had in his life was destroyed, his stocks, money, and his family. It seemed that Job was just a toy in God’s eyes. But if we read back to the 1st chapter of Job’s book. We’ll find that God had made a bet with satan. In this case God had to use Job as His tool to show satan that satan would never win. Because God believed that He can count on Job to show His glory. If I were Job, maybe I would have left God. I would curse Him. I’d be very very angry and maybe I’d become an atheist because of that. But thank God I wasn’t Job. And thank Him that He always chooses the right guy. So, I have to begin thinking that things like misery, death, desperation, broken heart, are not the things that God really wants us to have in our lives. He wants the best for all of us. If those difficulties come, then there must be a very glorious reason for that. Either for His glory or our glory. Maybe we’re all just His toys. But all I know that He adores His toys very much.

Just hang in there…

JUST OPEN IT!

Many people think that God is so hard to be approached. The good news is He’s not! I use to think that way too. Oh, God where are You when I need You? Oh, stay away God I’m so sinful I don’t deserve You! Or, God, I know that You hear me but I can’t see You! C’mon God show me Your face! Instructions, orders, whines, fears, I think those are the things that always keep us “away” from Him. After some years of ups and downs on my religious journey, well, most of ‘em are downs hehe… I’ve finally found something. God is so simple. Just imagine that He is your dad who loves you, embrace you –this is important- “when you run to him!” Our God is not a ‘pushy’ God. He always listens, watch, and respect our will as human (which is His own creation hehe… kinda ironic isn’t it?). Like a kid we can always come to Him anytime, anywhere. He’ll never resist us. He will never says, Ummm sorry kiddo, could you come back later I have a talk here with my Mom, Mother Mary? You know Her don’t you? Or, what are you doing you irresponsible selfish kid? Can’t you see here I’m busy? He’s never busy! His job is always to be there for us. His job is listening, watching, and fulfilling our needs. Hmm, sounds too good? Well, take it or leave it. What kind of connection is God using to connect with us? It’s an ‘open-hearted’ connection! As long as we open our hearts to Him, then have no doubts that He is there for you. Don’t let our sins, our negative acts, our broken hearts, our incontinences; our low self esteems, etc, etc block our connections with Him. Even if you can clean it up, just push those negatives aside and make a path for Him. He won’t mind to walk into your filthy heart. All he sees is our tiny, very small missing and crying heart. Don’t let our self ego tell us that we are so not deserve Him. Well, the truth is WE ARE NOT deserving Him. But the good news is that He has made us deserved and honored in His eyes. What is better than that? Let’s open our hearts, no matter what and where you are.
Just open it…

EPILEPTIC LOVE

This afternoon I’ve been shown about another greatness of love. My clinic got a call from a lady whom asked me to come and have a home-visit to her place. She wanted me to give a Phenobarbital injection for her epileptic son. She is not young, maybe around 60 to 70 years old. And her son is about 30 something. Could you imagine that? She’s been taking care of her son for almost 30 years. A few months ago I had come to her place also to treat her son. The first time I went there I felt so sorry. And this afternoon my heart has been touched again. Instead I felt sorry for her and her son I felt bad for myself. Why? Because I saw the meaning of loving in that house, in her eyes, and in her son’s eyes. I don’t think I can spend my life just to stay at home and look after a family member when they’re sick. And my mom had done it to my stepfather. Suddenly I miss my mom. And I feel so very guilty. I know I’m too damn selfish. I never treat her right. What I meant is that I don’t think I have given my mom the LOVE. The love that I have seen at my patient’s house. The love that is not thinking about ourselves but thinking about others. I always give her my epileptic love that is not perfect and always have a seizure on it. And the seizure always attacks every time I have to give the love to someone. I realize that I have to learn but I never begin.

Somebody, please! Inject me that pheLOVEbarbital…

WHY PAIN?

Today the pain is back into my heart. I don’t know what’s going on in me but after some happy moments, well actually not that happy, the pain is back. It attacks with the strength level 50%, it means half than the pain that I’ve had before. With that amount of attacking power I still can take a deep breath, take steps and not crying (yes, I cried! Happy?). But still it hurts! Well, let’s move on now. Why do we have to feel pain? And why does it named ‘pain’? Why not ‘happy’ instead? After some thinking then I got some of the answer from ‘Dr. Bailey’ (she’s in Grey’s Anatomy, remember?). She said that: “Pain is there for a reason”. Then I started to think, what is the reason? And I came up with this: Pain existing to play its role as a threshold meter of our hearts. It’s kind of the same situation when we do surgery. When the patient feels the pain, that means alert. So when we feel pain we know when to say stop and let our hearts grief instead of letting it dead. When we have a dead heart it means we have lost our capability of loving. Pain is triggered by negative things such as betrayal. So, pain also act as a reminder, it reminds us of not doing the same negative things to other especially to the people we love. Sometimes pain also does its job as a tool to humble us. When we’re getting so very high and not reachable by others around us, pain will take us down back to the place of loving. And finally, I think pain is there to make us know how others feel. So we can have an unselfish heart and learn to let go.
Pain is inevitable, so I guess when the pain attacks, let’s not focus to the feeling but instead let’s focus to the heart. Why pain? I think it’s because it’s fast-acting.
Pain is there for a reason…