Today I feel so terrible because, again, I fail on doing an IV line insertion. That’s sucks. I just not so into the IV line. IV line has become some kind of pain in my back since my internship. And today I failed again on an old Korean lady. What made it worse was I failed on both of her hands. I know it’s much more difficult to do an IV on elderly because their veins are more fragile than younger people; and their surrounding tissues are also has much loosen-up. Still those aren’t the things that can make me not doing an IV as a physician. I guess I’m not an IV expertise. That’s sucks. An MD has and should know on how to do an IV. After hours of bad feelings, a bit anger, pretty much sad, and also have a useless feeling; I begin to accept the things that I cannot do. I am a doctor and I am aware of that. What I didn’t know was that it’s ok to have mistakes as long as I know that it’s a mistake and I’m willing to learn so I can give my patient the best treatment for them instead of risking them. My manhood pride has taken me into this you-are-a-loser-when-you-fail kind of feeling. And after what happened today, I realize that I have to be a you-are-a-winner-when-you-admit-your-lacking-ability kinda guy.
My friend told me that a good sex must be based on love (or I might say ‘Religious Sex’), other than that it turns into lust. I doubt that. Maybe we love someone so very much but when it comes to sex then the only thing that commands is lust. This is my own opinion of sex since my last one was “manual” (anybody… please?)… hehe sorry, bad joke. I remember the days when I got aroused, the only picture on my mind was Angelina Jolie. I know I am a bad bad sinner. So, in that case the only thing that controls you at that moment is your lust. Maybe you recall your beautiful wife but I don’t think that you will recall the picture of your wife’s kindness when you got aroused, instead you will have a picture the beautiful body of your wife (it’s a lust); the sexiness of your loved ones’ neck (it’s a lust); the smooth-shaving legs of your honey bunny (it’s a lust); the boobs (it’s a lust); the face (it’s a lust); etc, etc… I just mean anything that physical is what making you want to have sex. What we have to learn is how to manage & control our lust and put it in its own appropriate way. We can’t do sex to just anybody, that is so slob, so reckless & so immature. I think we have to use lust with love, care, tenderness & responsibility.
This writing was inspired again from my chat with my preacher friend. After a while we came up to a conversation where she said that she’s been in a condition where she felt so very cocky. It was when she got praise from her Bible-Study Lecturer, Mr. Stefan Leks whom is her favorite Catholic Preacher. Mr. Leks said that her sermon in the class is perfect, a.k.a The Best in the class. She got perfect-100 points for that. She is so proud of it because she’s just got praise by someone she adores so very much (I wonder what would happen to her if she got the praise from Jesus hehe… ). After that she has some kind of idea that she is the best and everybody else in the class is just a loser hehe. Thank God she realized it very soon and quickly took over her mind again. Question. Is it ok for us being cocky? Off course not, even satan knows that. But being PROUD of your self? That’s something else. Proud means we value ourselves more than usual without underestimate others. We have to put in our minds that we can be called superior because there are some people whom are called inferior! If there are no inferiors then we are just average. I think God has put proud in us so we can be proud of ourselves IN HIS NAME. For the sake of His glory. So, what should we do when this proud thing becomes too big and uncontrollable? Don’t wait till it turns into cocky-proud. Do like my friend did, seek help for support and PRAY!
Have you watch ‘Gank Nero’ on TV? I have. Well, it’s kinda sad when you know that the moral of the people of our beloved country has way gone to a very low level. But I’m not gonna talk about moral. I’m not capable of that. I’m still fixing my own moral till now. What tickled my mind was when I watch the member of ‘Gank Nero’; they’re covering their own faces in front of the camera. When we watch every criminal on TV including politician who got caught by cops or others they always cover their faces. Why the face? Why not the hand?
Last night I spent a night at my friend’s place. She is… (hey, hey hold that thought we weren’t doing nothing)… a friend who has a very close relationship with God. In a way, I love her closeness to God. So, last night before we went to sleep we had a few chat and laughter until we hit on her story when she went to china for ministry, yes she is a “Preacher”. When she went there for couple of weeks a Chinese man ask her to marry him hehe… you never can predict love. My friend ask him: “What makes you want to marry me?” He said that he’s amazed seeing my friend always seem HAPPY ALL THE TIME”. And then my friend replied: “So you want to know why? It’s because I have something that you don’t know. I have JESUS!”
Lately, I’ve been in a place where I have to help the person that I’m very very disappointed with. To be honest or if I want to say yes to my feeling I don’t want to help H. My very very disappointed heart still hurts. Every thing that H did, to my understanding H was doing it just to attract attention & care. In a simple way, H was faking it. Somehow my disappointed heart spoke to me in a very weak voice, almost like a very gentle & unheard whisper. Help H! And suddenly, all the good things that H has done for me rushed back into my memories. They’re warmed my heart. The next thing I knew was I’m helping H. Maybe it’s against my feeling and I wasn’t doing it with all my heart but still I did it anyway. Till now I still don’t know why I was doing it, maybe I was doing it for my heart. Maybe I was doing it just to be a better man. Or maybe I was doing it because... I was made FROM LOVE and TO LOVE. 
Yup, that’s the name of my hometown. Cianjur. I was born there on September 29th 1976, Wednesday, at noon. I was born in a small house of a “Bidan”. I can remember the place perfectly. It was near a rail track. On a street called, Cikidang. Hehe, I know that all the place’s name that you will find here are kinda weird or “Norak”. Still, when you talk about your hometown it won’t matter instead it’ll bring all the good times & the great memories there. That’s why I dedicated this writing for it. Suddenly this afternoon while I’m watching ‘adzan maghrib’ my memories bring me back to Cianjur & my eyes start watery. I remember all the streets there. I remember all of my ex-elementary & junior high school’s friends. I remember… my home. The park, the building, the car wash, the rooms, the kitchen, the bathroom, the betamax video, the Nintendo, the laserdisc, man… I miss them all. One more thing, I remember all the foods. I miss ‘Bubur Cianjur’, ‘Nasi Goreng Oshin’, ‘Maranggi’, …gosh I’m gonna need more time just to write them down.
I think that’s how we’re supposed to be, a great memory. When I die, I want everybody will only remember the great memories they’ve had with me. Just like my hometown, I want to be something that really leaves a mark on the minds of the people that I’ve met. A good mark off course that can change the person’s life. Obviously, Cianjur has changed mine.
Ahhh, I really miss my Cianjur...
My friend complained to me about her future boyfriend. She told me that he stopped calling her, texting her, or email her again but he got the time to update his blog hehe. Does it sound like a familiar situation to you? Then I gave her all the positive thinking that I could possibly give to her. Well, she said that she already done it all. The thing that bothered her most is ‘the missing feeling’. Yes, she’s in love with him. When we’re in love with someone, we usually want to spend most of our times with the one we love. We will give them our love, affection, attention, and time for them. We just want to give the best for her/him. I might say that we also demand the same thing in return. But what if they do not do the same thing to us? On my friend’s case, she became upset about everything. I think when you care to someone there’s also one thing that we should learn. It is to give them their own time. When you’re in love it means you walk together with the one you love to walk the sea, step into the boat and finally, sail the marriage ocean. Together! When you walk the sea there are times your loved one would be left behind. Maybe because of the wave’s too strong, or they step on the sharp rocks on the bottom, or maybe because they’re tired. When they stop, we also have to stop and look back. That’s it? Off course not, I think we also have to take our steps back to the place where she/he stopped. Then we encourage them, support them, pour our love to them, hold their hands and walk again. Together! What if we’re the one who got left behind? I think we should stop and take our time, after we’re ready we focus our attention, take a deep breath, and say: “Honey, now I’m ready to go again”.
